The Aftermath
After the obligatory trip to the emergency room the night of the crash, I spent the next several months at home recuperating. Due to the impact of the crash, I essentially whiplashed sideways at a combined speed of 80+ mph, which resulted in a multitude of musculoskeletal issues, especially on the right side of my body. In addition, my right wrist/hand (my gun hand) was injured during the crash. This particular injury was perhaps the most difficult for me to deal with emotionally as I knew deep down that unless my wrist and hand made a full recovery, it would be a career-ender.
Upon wading through the ridiculous amounts of red tape associated with a Workers’ Compensation (WC) case, I was finally approved for physical therapy (PT) nearly two weeks after my crash. Coming from a more holistic background, it was very frustrating to me that WC would not approve chiropractic care or other alternative methods of treatment. I truly believe that if I had been allowed to see my chiropractor and pursue alternative methods of treatment soon after the crash occurred, instead of the more traditional method of medication and waiting for PT to be approved, perhaps this story would have turned out differently. I do think that PT is a great tool in the healing process and can help to strengthen injured areas. However, if the root issue is not fixed, the exercises that consist of almost the entirety of a PT session can also aggravate the injury site and cause flare-ups of the injured areas, as I discovered multiple times during the months of PT sessions I attended.
After recuperating at home for over three months, I finally returned to work in a light duty status (“light duty” being a relative term). I essentially sat at a desk and handled the majority of telephone and walk-in reports. As frustrating as it was to be constantly slammed with nearly ten times the amount of paperwork per month than what the patrol officers averaged on the street, it honed my verbal and written communication skills and brought them to a whole new level. This experience also gave me a much greater appreciation for the work detectives put into their cases.
As the months on light duty progressed and my injuries seemed slow to heal, the pressure to return to a full duty status increased. The constant typing for reports only seemed to aggravate my wrist injury and the rest of my body continued having intermittent flare-ups. Nearly four months into light duty, I was informed that I would no longer be allowed to operate on a light duty status and would have to be out of work on FMLA[1] leave. This came on the heels of my schedule being shifted around several times by upper management and other officers who were on light duty seemingly getting preferential treatment. Learning to forgive and releasing to the Lord the rejection I felt during this time has been a continuous process of surrender.
During the approximate month I spent out of work on FMLA leave, I pushed myself hard at PT and the occupational therapy (OT) sessions. Despite being able to pass all of the minimum physical fitness requirements for the job, my wrist continued to have severe and unpredictable flare-ups. My biggest concern about returning to the street with my wrist not being reliable was the potential safety issues it could cause not only for me, but my fellow officers. If I were to experience a flare-up in a scenario that was dangerous or potentially life-threatening, it could be cause for serious liability. I am an extremely loyal and caring individual and the thought that a flare-up could potentially cost me my life or someone else’s life was not a gamble I was willing to make.
When I had explained the flare-ups to the orthopedic doctor in the appointments following the crash, I was essentially told that the flare-ups couldn’t be explained and that since it had been at least six months since the crash, I was at “maximum medical improvement.” I have since learned that tendon and ligament injuries can sometimes take over three years to heal. Having a pretty sure idea that the orthopedic doctor was going to release me back to full duty status on my final appointment, despite my reservations regarding the unreliability of my wrist during a flare-up, I knew what decision had to be made: to resign my position as a police officer so as to not be a liability to myself or others. The decision was the result of a lot of soul-searching, prayer, and seeking counsel regarding the matter. It was not a decision made lightly and was one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I was in tears when I called my sergeant and informed him that I would be handing in my resignation notice. Two weeks later, I was officially no longer part of the department.
Walking through the grieving process of the loss of a job I loved, the rejection I felt from my fellow co-workers, and the lack of apparent support from my department in the final months there has been an on-going journey. I am learning that it is okay to acknowledge that pain and loss and to work through those feelings. I am also learning that I can’t stay stuck there. I have to release those hurts to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for my ungodly beliefs of rejection, anger, bitterness, and judgement. It is only in releasing that pain that the Lord can bring true healing in my heart so that I can continue to walk out in the freedom that He gave me through the power of His death and resurrection.
It hasn’t always been an easy path, but looking back on these past couple years, it is not a process I would trade for anything else as it is continuing to make me into the person God has called me to be. I love this quote from Lysa TerKeurst’s book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way[2], “We think the shattering in our lives could not possibly be for any good. But what if shattering is the only way to get dust back to its basic form so that something new can be made? We can see dust as a result of an unfair breaking. Or we can see dust as a crucial ingredient … If I want His promises, I have to trust His process. I have to trust that first comes the dust, and then comes the making of something even better with us. God isn’t ever going to forsake you, but He will go to great lengths to remake you. What if disappointment is really the exact appointment your soul needs to radically encounter God?” (pg. 17 & 28).
[1] The Family and Medical Leave Act
[2] Lysa TerKeurst, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave you Shattered (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2018), p. 17, 28.
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