More Than A Cop
It’s a well-known saying among law enforcement officers, “Being a cop isn’t just a job, it’s a calling.” It is a feeling deep in the core of your being that you are there for a purpose, to make a difference in peoples’ lives, and that what you’re doing matters. It’s the drive that keeps you going on late nights, early mornings, long cases, and hours sitting in court. It gets in your blood and becomes your identity. But when all that gets taken away, it makes one question, “Who am I, really?”
Being a cop was, and still is, a huge part of who I am. The passion and drive to do better, be better, and excel in all areas of the job takes extraordinary dedication. You have to choose to push past the discomfort, exhaustion, and red tape one encounters while working in the role of a law enforcement officer because you know the feeling of satisfaction that comes on the other side of the hard things and of a job well done.
When I made the decision to pursue a career in law enforcement, it was an all-or-nothing decision. I didn’t have a fail-safe if things didn’t work out. Did my career turn out how I initially thought it would? Absolutely not. But looking back, I would not change the circumstances, disappointments, or significant events that influenced my journey as a cop. They made and shaped me into the person I am today. Some of the hardest moments I experienced and the gut-wrenching decisions I had to make forged my character in a way that could not have occurred if I had taken the easy path and just given up when circumstances got hard.
Choosing to resign from being a police officer due to my wrist injury was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. The even harder part for me to deal with was the emotional aftermath of, “Who am I if I’m not a cop anymore?” Now yes, it is easy on an intellectual level to say that I know my identity is more than just a police officer. But when you’ve invested your heart and soul into a career that you can no longer pursue, you feel like you’ve lost part of yourself.
Coming to terms with no longer being a cop has been heartbreaking. Touching that place in my psyche produces tears more often than not (though less often than it used to). Expired inspection stickers pop out at me when I’m driving or I’ll notice expired registration decals when I’m stopped at a red light, little reminders of who I used to be. Regular commute frustrations are intensified through my powerlessness to stop reckless drivers in their tracks. But that’s not the worst of it. I hear sirens and see a police vehicle en route to a call, lights flashing and sirens blaring, and adrenaline blazes through my bloodstream. I want to join in the response to whatever crisis might be occurring. I’ve been pressed from “serve and protect” to “mind your own business.” This change has continually tested my mettle, hammering me into another level of maturity.
In my journey since making the decision to leave law enforcement, I’ve been discovering that it is okay to grieve the loss of no longer being an officer and to grieve the potential opportunities I would have had in that career-field. By doing so, I give those feelings their proper place so that I can then move forward and focus on each next step in this season of life instead of being stuck in the past.
I am learning that my identity is more than just being a police officer. Being a police officer is something I did, but it is not the full picture of who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of Creator God. I am a daughter, sister, wife, and friend. I am someone who cares deeply for people who are hurting. I am intelligent, loyal, dedicated, hard-working, and a high achiever. All of these are a part of who I am. But it is not all of who I am. Discovering all of who God made me to be and the purpose for which He has placed me here on the earth is a life-long journey of discovery. Instead of becoming bitter, resentful, or ungrateful for how circumstances of life have brought me to this particular point, I can instead choose gratitude for how I am being molded and shaped into the person I need to be in order to fulfill my true purpose and calling, no matter where I work or what career-field I find myself in.
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