Aim Small, Miss Small
I stared at the peanut butter that was splattered all over my kitchen floor, the refrigerator, and the cabinets. The butter knife I had been using moments before was laying on the floor as well. What on earth just happened? If I can’t even spread peanut butter on a piece of toast without suddenly losing my grip on a butter knife, how am I going to be expected to carry my duty weapon? And if I can’t carry my gun without the fear of dropping it while on a serious call, how am I supposed to do my job as a cop?
These are the questions that raced through my mind every time my gun hand and wrist flared up during the season I was assigned to light duty (and in the subsequent seasons that followed). But if I probe deeper, I think the real fear was what if I can’t shoot a gun ever again? Fact-of-the-matter was, I really enjoyed shooting guns (and still do). I love the sound of lead clinking down a steel target, the smell of burnt gunpowder in the air, the scent of cleaning supplies and oils used to clean the grime off the guns after target practice. Working toward a tighter grouping on the target or a perfect score during firearms qualifications thrilled me. Who would I be if I couldn’t shoot anymore?
My enjoyment of shooting started at an early age. I have fond memories of when we would visit my grandparents up near Covesville, VA. Out into the woods we would traipse until my dad found a good spot to set up some targets for practice. These were not your typical, large paper targets. “Aim small, miss small,” he’d say, as he set stuff up. These targets typically consisted of spent shotgun shell casings, empty brass casings, soda cans, water bottles, golf balls, etc. If we could accurately hit these, we’d have no problem hitting a larger target if the need ever arose.
Fast forward to the police academy. We had an entire week of firearms training and muscle memory drilling before we were even allowed to go out to the range to actually shoot our weapons. Using a firearm accurately is a perishable skill, so the more frequently you practice the fundamentals, the better you will be with target accuracy. I worked hard to excel in this area. I typically scored in the mid-to-high 90s during qualifications, but of course my aim was always to try and score 100 (which I know was accomplished at least once and possibly a couple of other times, to the best of my recollection). One of my instructors always said, “Don’t aim for the target … aim at a bullet hole already in the target.” Using this principle, my groupings on target improved even more. This was essentially my dad’s saying of “Aim small, miss small” in a very practical application.
How would I be able to continue practicing these principles if my wrist was unstable? Despite the physical therapist’s encouragement towards the end of my treatment sessions to try some target practice before being released to a full duty status, I was hesitant. The unpredictable nature of the wrist flare-ups still caused me concern. Even if I did fine at some target practice in a safe environment, that was still no indication of how my wrist may or may not behave in a potentially life-threatening situation. This was one of the primary factors that ultimately influenced my decision to resign from my position as a police officer. In the months that followed after all treatment stopped, my wrist flared up even worse. The flare-up episodes eventually decreased in frequency, but still occurred at random. They were a constant reminder that I had made the right decision to resign from the department so as not to be a potential liability.
This past January, just over two years since the crash, I finally worked up the nerve to go shooting again. My brother wanted to do some plinking for his birthday and I figured it was finally time to face my fear of whether or not I could still shoot. I am happy to say that I had an absolute blast that day and I did not have any wrist flare-ups while shooting. Have I had subsequent flare-ups since that day? Yes. But I now know that I am still able to enjoy the thrill of a good target practice session, despite everything that has happened. And for this, I am deeply grateful.
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